The Spring Training Pointless Speculation Game

the original images for this post are inside the car

Are ya bored while waiting around for spring training to really get going? Then take a couple minutes out of your day and give your best guess to the questions below. Leave your answers in the comments if you so choose, OR add your own silly questions and poorly-researched answer options. If – at the end of spring training – any of the actions below actually occur to one of the players listed, I’ll find some prize to give away to anyone who guesses things correctly.

Enjoy.

Which pitcher will blow out his arm this spring and miss the entire season?
1) Jered Weaver
2) James Shields
3) Edwin Jackson
4) C.C. Sabathia
5) Jair Jurrjens

Which player will be the first to get a DUI this spring?
1) Miguel Cabrera (his placement here is both predictable and unavoidable)
2) Matt Kemp
3) Ichiro
4) Cole Hamels
5) PRONK!

Which player will be revealed this spring to be playing under a fake name and lying about his age?
1) Albert Pujols
2) Jesus Montero
3) Julio Teheran
4) David Wright
5) Sterling Castro

Which aging player will be the first to retire this spring?
1) Omar Vizquel
2) Everyone the Rockies picked up this offseason
3) Livan Hernandez
4) PRONK!
5) Scott Rolen

Which unsigned, aging star in this Tom Verducci article will be the first to sign with a team? (NOTE: This ones give you the best shot of winning my as-yet-undetermined prize!)
1) Derek Lee
2) Hideki Matsui
3) Johnny Damon
4) Vladimir Guerrero
5) PUDGE!

Which player will be suspended for performance-enhancing drugs this spring (despite the fact that the Ryan Braun case will now make it easier for players to loophole their way out of things)?
1) Hanley Ramirez
2) Corey Hart
3) Adam Dunn
4) Derek Jeter (man, wouldn’t that be awesome?)
5) Josh Hamilton (man, wouldn’t that be depressing?)

What part of PRONK! will he injure first this spring?
1) Upper body
2) Lower body
3) Mid-body
4) Sub-body
5) A coincidental, simultaneous popping of every ligament in his body.

Following Evan Longoria’s lead, which romantic pairing is more likely to be revealed this spring?
1) Ashley Hobbs (Miss December 2010) and Logan Morrison
2) Ashley Allen (Miss August 1992) and Mike Napoli
3) Ashley Mattingly (Miss March 2011) and Don Mattingly
4) Kristina & Karissa Shannon (Misses July And August 2009) and B.J. Upton (Bossman!)
5) Belladonna and Lance Berkman

Which spring-training-specific injury is more likely to occur?
1) Prince Fielder chokes on a whole grapefruit
2) A drunken Jason Giambi punctures his uvula after deep-throating a cactus
3) Roof collapse at Glendale In-N-Out Burger critically injures 14 sportswriters
4) Nick Swisher gets mugged outside of Mons Venus
5) Edwin Jackson gets traded 3 times in one day, hurting him emotionally and bringing about full-on existential crisis (“It’s like everyone wants me but, also, they don’t want me.”)

How will Dice-K fare this spring?
1) くだらない
2) スーパーくだらない
3) 途方もなくくだらない
4) スーパー幸せな楽しいたわごと野球人
5) くだらないが、少なくともジョンJohn Lackey·ラッキーがなくなっている